Position: Correspondence Co-ordination Co-operative Customer Assistant Junior Executive Sales Team Synchronicity Assistant Junior Staff Role Advisor Producer (Drone)
Location: One of those hulking great, urban monoliths. The second floor, and you'll be stuffed in the corner, and chained to a radiator and chewed on by rats. Foul places. It's fucking awful and you'll fucking hate it. Good transport links. Except when the tube's closed. Then you'll be an hour late and they'll fucking scream at you, and you'll go outside at lunchtime, and shake, and smoke, and stare into the canal and weep a bit.
Salary: £0.00 - 7.28768 ph. 50% of which will be spent in the pub after work, so you can numb yourself enough to prevent yourself jumping in front of the train on the way home. Generous bonuses provided, but you'll never get one.
Sector: Public sector - public/other (it's meaningless, no-one cares about this sort of thing, no-one takes an interest in it, you're literally helping to turn a cog in a boring machine. And you'll definitely be laid off soon.).
Job Description: Temporary sort of nobody required to help do the paperwork. We've got a bit more money from somewhere, so we might as well get someone to tidy up in the office a bit, and we need someone to bully a bit, to make us feel a bit better about how shit and stupid we all are. Erm specifically, the role involves: ghgi0ejehghdljkdjkdjdhgjghdfuckingnothingfuckingpointless,
and also: drafting letters, correspondence, tidying the paper up, getting the tea and coffee, you little prick, getting patronised, getting abused, trying to get off with one of the receptionists, actually getting off with one of the girls in the complaints department, because she is uglier and even more lonely than you, breaking things off with said girl, because she's very mad, and has no self-esteem left, and then ignoring her every single day until you leave.
The successful candidate will have/be:
-Good IT skills (better than an an ape)
-Excellent organisational skills (The ability to walk)
-A demonstrable passion and enthusiasm for the really boring insignificant thing that we deal with here.
-An excelent grasp of enligsh SPelling, and, grammer.
-Coordination, advising, junior executive locaquation skills
-Have at least 25 years experience in this sector, but also be under 24
-Be female and shaggable (desired, but not required)
-Not be intellectually intimidating.
-A completely arbitrary quality that you can't define.
-The potential to become a bolshy, egotistical cunt/manager.
Email your CV, cover letter, and picture of your genitals to: email@example.com